mourning time

that's right. mourning time. not to be confused with morning time.

that is what i have come to call it after a day of annoying reminders and two sweet conversations- one with my sister and one with my husband. i have talked to almost all of my friends and family about it over the last month and even felt comfortable with the idea until today. and now its mourning time.

i don't usually get this personal on here so be forewarned this isn't a bunch of pictures of silly faces and typical milestones. this is my confession. an entry to be placed in here with the rest of the memories i have recorded in our little family's story.

today...i packed up my pumping parts. the pump is still sprawled out on the living room floor but i took the first step and packed up the parts.

i have made fun of people for this kind of thing (i guess that is what i get) and yes here i am feeling sad, mourning the short time i was able to nurse Ava.

i nursed Bella for a year and her weight gain was always perfect. i had trouble in the very beginning but after a short couple of weeks, she was a pro and i felt like one too. maybe it was all of my amazing friends and their role modeling for me, but it just seemed much easier with her. i slowly weened her and had her last nursing session on the night of her first birthday.

Ava came out of the womb ready to eat, unlike her moody big sister. she was a big baby (8 lbs 3 oz) and latched on perfectly. no pain. no soreness. just blissful nursing. i was so thankful! my milk came in quickly and everything went well for months. i felt the suffocation and the "aahhh! i wish somebody else could help me with this!" feeling but overall, it went great, better than i expected it would.

i took her to her four month check up and she had only gained a pound. boom. it hit me like a ton of bricks. looking back, there were signs but it didn't sink in until the words were coming out of my mouth in the doctor's office, "that's not enough, is it?" oh my gosh! i had been starving my child. well, that is what it felt like anyway. the next month i felt so much pressure. i had to take supplements and pray and talk to everyone i knew. i had to pump more, clean more and give more bottles. i had to buy formula and supplement that too. it never got better and i don't know if i gave up at some point or if it just wasn't in the cards for Ava and i but somewhere between five month and six months, my milk supply vanished. i didn't think i would be upset. i thought i would hear freedom bells and feel like dancing, but instead i have been mourning.

Ava did everything right and was such a good little eater. i don't really know what happened but it became a reality when i woke up in the middle of night a couple of weeks ago and realized i had gotten that lovely monthly reminder... four months too soon (that's one of the many perks of breastfeeding!) i didn't even get a little "last time" session with her because she had thrush the last week of my milk's supply.

the good news is she has gained four pounds since her four month check up and i could tell a difference in her the very night i began supplementing. the bad news is this mama is all emotional and feeling down about it.

today was hard as it began with some reminders (which seemed to be everywhere!) that "breast is best." i bagged up all of my pumping parts as they spilled out of the cabinet one last time and washed my nursing covers to be folded and put away for later and then read another mom's blog only to find out it was all about her story of success on the topic, in honor of world breastfeeding week. that's right, world breastfeeding week! man i picked a great week to have closed the doors on my breastfeeding journey. today was the first time i told someone i use formula exclusively and i could barely get the words out of mouth. i am usually sharing my success. it has been a humbling day. its mourning day. the first of many i am sure- for this is the beginning of our little baby's growing up.

*update: since i originally posted this, i got a nice little surprise. i am not sure how it worked out like it did. the only way to describe it is the Lord gave me a sweet little gift. the next morning i packed away my pump and some time that day i started to feel some pain in my breasts- kind of like engorgement. this was it! God gave me one last, small nursing session with Ava! it came out of nowhere and hasn't happened again but i took in every second and praise the Lord for it.